Archive for February, 2010

February 27, 2010

A Chair For My Ass

As I sit here, writing to all of my wonderful fans out there (all 3 of you), I sit upon an aluminum throne with solid legs and no cushion. Oh, it had a cushion once, a long time ago. No it had a thin ex cushion that is covered in a rough blue burlap that chafes my tender nether regions.

So with this in mind, I went out on a hunt today to find a new chair for my desk. I don’t have a lot of room to work with as my desk is in a storage/bed/movie/day spa room. I also wanted to see if I could find a mat to put said new chair on so as not to damage the 29-year-old carpet. It’s an antique.

Now before we go on, I have to tell you about my chair requirements. Being a man of “larger” proportions, I require a chair that is sturdy. Sturdy enough to hold an elephant with a mild case of hemorrhoids. So sturdy that I could stand on the seat, jump up and down and it would not crack, break, or even whimper each time I landed.

Also, no arms, a modest color, good price point, and adjustable back and seat. My main concern was weight though.

Armed with these requirements, I goggled my way into a site that had chairs for “Big and Tall”. Intrigued, I clicked.

I found the perfect model. A nice seat. Good cushion factor. The picture did show it in “Salmon” but they had 20 other colors available. No arms. It could support up to 500 pounds on its solid steel and blow mold plastic frame. I was in love.

Until I saw the price. $730.

You read that right. I didn’t leave out a comma or a period. My head spun. I searched again.

$450

And again.

$1,240

Finally, I stopped looking. My hopes had been dashed. They offered free shipping. I rejected them like a fat guy on the diet food aisle. I was crushed.

Well, my ass will feel soft cushy perfection one day, but this will not be it.

February 25, 2010

What Is It About Me …

What is it about me that makes men dump me (or I dump them) and then they turn around and get together with someone else? Not only that, but then move in together in less than a year? Am I that hard of a person to deal with?

I just talked to an ex that got together with his now current boyfriend less than a month after we broke up. THEIR MOVING IN TOGETHER IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS!

Am I missing something?

Yes, I know he could have lied and told me that they got together after when it actually happened before. I’ve thought of this. I considered the timing and I found it a bit odd, suspect, worth a second look. Or a third.

I asked him the question, even told him that the timing was odd. His answer,. His fucking one word answer.

“after”

That ladies and gentlemen, is an exact quote. No sentence. No capital. No punctuation. No explanation. Zilch.

(Heavy, labored breathing in the background.)

Ok, so I didn’t ask for an explanation of his answer and I didn’t really want one. Also, his timing might be suspect, but we’re no longer together, so it’s none of my business. I just wanted an answer.

Sometimes questions can be painful.

February 22, 2010

Illness Be Damned

Ok, so I am now currently sick for the sixth time in five months. It’s more than a little annoying to have a majority of your life taken over by one illness after another. Its been cold, after cold, after cold. A brief period of stomach flu for a change of pace. Add in some more colds and strep throat at the fist of the year and you have a majority of my last year and the first two months of this year.

Come on!

Another thing, due to the fact that I’m one of millions of working poor, I can’t afford to use the health insurance I have or afford to take time off of work so I can get better. I hope I can wait it out and see if it’s going to get better or if it’s gonna mean another trip to the doctor.

February 1, 2010

4 Minutes …

The time is currently 11:56 pm on the last day of January. That means in a little less than 4 minutes now, we will be in the month of February. Yes, THAT month. The only month that earns my disdain almost as much as December.

“Why?” I can hear you asking to your computer screen. “Why do you dislike February so much? Did it hurt you as a small child and not apologize? Perhaps it told you a joke that you didn’t think was funny. Comedy is different for everyone…” I then cut you off and let you know.

This is the month of Love. Singing, dancing, sweet kisses, chocolate, candy hearts kind of Love. That’s the problem. Too many people believe that Love is cute, wrapped in chocolate, dipped in whipped cream, covered in sprinkles and topped with a cherry.

Love with a big “L” is commercial and crass. It winks a knowing eye in your direction as it pats you on the buttocks. Big “L” love is amazing in its ability to tug at your heart with pictures of moon-eyed cats, dogs and children with Valentine’s cards and candy confections. I dislike big “L” love.

I like small “l” love. Its simple and quiet. It asks how your day was and offers a listening ear. It takes your breath away now the same way it did when you met the love of your life for the first time. It remembers after 40 years the color of her dress on the first date or how he brought a single rose to you on a random day.

That is love, and that is what this month should be.