A Chair For My Ass

As I sit here, writing to all of my wonderful fans out there (all 3 of you), I sit upon an aluminum throne with solid legs and no cushion. Oh, it had a cushion once, a long time ago. No it had a thin ex cushion that is covered in a rough blue burlap that chafes my tender nether regions.

So with this in mind, I went out on a hunt today to find a new chair for my desk. I don’t have a lot of room to work with as my desk is in a storage/bed/movie/day spa room. I also wanted to see if I could find a mat to put said new chair on so as not to damage the 29-year-old carpet. It’s an antique.

Now before we go on, I have to tell you about my chair requirements. Being a man of “larger” proportions, I require a chair that is sturdy. Sturdy enough to hold an elephant with a mild case of hemorrhoids. So sturdy that I could stand on the seat, jump up and down and it would not crack, break, or even whimper each time I landed.

Also, no arms, a modest color, good price point, and adjustable back and seat. My main concern was weight though.

Armed with these requirements, I goggled my way into a site that had chairs for “Big and Tall”. Intrigued, I clicked.

I found the perfect model. A nice seat. Good cushion factor. The picture did show it in “Salmon” but they had 20 other colors available. No arms. It could support up to 500 pounds on its solid steel and blow mold plastic frame. I was in love.

Until I saw the price. $730.

You read that right. I didn’t leave out a comma or a period. My head spun. I searched again.

$450

And again.

$1,240

Finally, I stopped looking. My hopes had been dashed. They offered free shipping. I rejected them like a fat guy on the diet food aisle. I was crushed.

Well, my ass will feel soft cushy perfection one day, but this will not be it.

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