My Christian Question … Theory … Puzzle … Word Problem?

So, over the last couple of years or so, I have been trying to “find my faith” again. I joined a gay christian website, looked for some books, and read articles. All of this searching has led me to one conclusion … I know less now than I did two years ago.

When I was a kid, my faith was part of who I identified myself as. I was part of a bible scouts program called Awana. I went to the Jr. High group meetings and on the field trips. I even went to the church carnival once a year. I went to church on Sundays. My Christianity was part of who I saw myself as.

At 12, it all changed.

I was in the boys locker room. It was the last day of seventh grade and we were playing tug-of-war against the out going eighth graders. We left the field to go clean up in the locker room cause the coaches had watered the grass to make it nice and slippery for the tug-of-war. My friend Mike G. stripped off his P.E. clothes and headed for the shower room. I did the same. I didn’t want to track mud all the way home.

Mike had his back to me when I entered. I turned on the water and got wet. Suddenly, the world went dark. I felt my head. Someone had wrapped a muddy and wet t-shirt around my face. I pulled the stinking thing off of me and threw it down. Mike had turned around to wash his back off.

I looked.

Looked some more.

Then I ran.

I quickly threw on all of my clothes and ran for home. I only lived a block away from the school. By the time I slowed down, I was light headed from the lack of oxygen. I was an asthmatic as a kid. I pulled out my inhaler and breathed life. It tasted like what you imagine rotting toe jam tastes like.

I was so ashamed of myself. Mike was my friend. I had done something wrong. We had talked about this in church. Lusting after another man was a sin. A big one. God punishes you for the big ones. I prayed that day and for the next few months that God would take this “sin” away from me.

I didn’t want God angry with me.

After a few months of not being able to stop my desires, I was at my wit’s end. I was sad. I thought I had let my family down. I thought I had let God down. I decided to commit suicide.

I told no one. I was sure it was the only way to go. I didn’t want to go to hell and disappoint my family. I loved God and Jesus and all of it, but I just didn’t want to hurt anyone by being a “fag”.

I knew the word. I knew what it meant. I knew I was one.

One night, I sat at my dining room table. I had taken one of the bottles of asthma meds from the cabinet where my mom kept them. The one I took helped open the chest and slow breathing, making it easier for people with asthma to take bigger breaths. I also took my grandfather’s big bottle of Brandy from the liqueur cabinet from above the fridge. Didn’t even have to use a step-ladder.

I placed the bottle of alcohol and the bottle of pills side by side and sat down looking at them in the half-light of the room. I stared at them for a really long time. I even opened the bottle and took some pills out.

I couldn’t do it.

I put it all away and went to bed. I cried like I have never cried before or since. I fell asleep and woke up, went to school, and carried on. I didn’t tell anyone about that night for a very long time.

One side effect, I never went back to church. Ever.

Over the years, I have spent time just not believing in anything. That always made my family a little jumpy when I said “I don’t think heaven exists.” I got a few strange looks. Paganism and Wicca were my next religious stops.

I spent a lot of time being a Wiccan, twelve years or there about. I had found a religion that didn’t have the dogma and the hatred of Christianity, it was older and it felt right. I was home.

In the past few years though, I’ve been turning my mind back to Christianity and God. Not because of any over-riding thought or sudden desire to convert. No fiery bush or talking clouds in my life, no sir. Just a desire to get back in touch with who I am, as a person and as someone of faith.

So that’s why the new interest in faith and beliefs. I’m looking to find a way that is comfortable for me to be christian. The zealots on the far right scare the piss out of me. I’m not changing my politics. I’m just trying to find a new way for me.


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