Archive for May, 2010

May 31, 2010

Opening Up To Someone New

This is sort of a companion piece to yesterday’s post about dating. Yesterday’s post was good, but it seemed a little like me just typing the words that came into mind with no forethought about subject. I wanted to write something that was a little more upbeat and personal.  I didn’t know what that might be, until this morning, when I met Ken.

Let me begin with a little back story. I’m a big believer in online dating. I’ve been doing it since the AOL disc days. (Okay, most of what I did can’t be considered dating in the strictest sense, but you get drift.) It’s a good way to meet people you wouldn’t normally be exposed to. The problem is that your exposed to them. But that’s another post.

About 9 months ago, I signed up for a site dedicated to men of a “certain” stature and those that like them. This was how I met Alex, my now ex-boyfriend. We talked for a month before we had a “face to face” meeting. It was great, we really hit it off and enjoyed ourselves.

The relationship lasted 2 months. I thanked Alex for coming into my life and sharing it with me for a while. This of course was after months of going over every single detail of our relationship about 10 times. Blaming him for everything. Finding out it was my fault, dealing with it, and now just moving on.

This brings me to “Alan”. “Alan” is 40 as of this last March. Like motorcycles, vanilla ice cream, and mashed potatoes with brown gravy. He listens to 80’s and 90’s music, works as a nurse with Alzheimer and Dementia patients, and once lived in Seattle.

I like “Alan”. He’s warm and funny. Cute without being boyish. Mature yet young at heart. Even the fact that he lives in the southwest doesn’t seem to be a problem.

I think the problem might be me.

I caught myself wondering earlier … “Where is the other shoe?” I keep thinking that there has to be something wrong with this man in order for me to like him or for him to like me. It just wouldn’t be me if he wasn’t deal breaking odd in some way. He has to have hidden the bodies somewhere.

Am I so hurt by what has happened in my life with the men I have been with that I have become that jaded? I’m I looking for a reason not to open to someone new so I don’t get hurt? I’ve been at this a long time, have I run out of real excuses and now just making them up as I go?

“Alan” seems like a man I could like. What I have talked about with him makes me think that. It also makes me think that I’m nuts and he’s hiding something. I want to see if this is going to go someplace. I just hope I don’t get in my own way.

May 30, 2010

Dating Is Not For The Faint Of Heart … Or The Stupid

Dating is one of those things in life that I truly despise. It ranks right up there with cleaning the bathroom and going to the dentist. I would rather spend an entire day doing laundry while up to my elbow in dishes than go on a date. Okay, that might be going a bit far, but you get my point.

I have been actively dating now since I was 18. So for nearly 20 years, I have been meeting new men, having awkward conversations, stuffy meals, and pathetic excuses for a goodnight kiss. Some of them were good, don’t get me wrong. One felt like an out of body experience, it was so good. For the most part, each and every one of them was a disaster.

I’m just not good at dating.

I think I know what my problem is … expectation. I go over how I want the date to go. The types of conversation we will go into, how witty and charming I will be, even sometimes how he will respond to my wit and charm. Where we will go on the date and what I will say when he asks me all the questions he has. I want to leave no awkward pauses, only comfy silences.

It is really any surprise at this point when they go completely off the rails.

When you build something up that much, how can reality match it. If the date goes well, then were off to the races. As each week progresses, my level of expectation grows. If we get to a month, I will have us married and setting up house. I want to run every conceivable scenario in my head just so I know what to do, how to react, and how my hair should look. (Joking about the last one … really.)

Who cares if the date goes bad. What happens if it goes well?

May 29, 2010

Writing What You Know … WTF!

It’s an age old axiom among writers: “Write what you know.” Writers are supposed to pick things to write about that they know about. It helps lend itself to authenticity of what your writing. It helps you to have an “original voice.”

I have never understood what it meant. I mean logically, I do. I understand what each of the words mean. I know that the sentence is a statement and not a question. I understand all of that logically. I think where it all goes pear-shaped is in the application of said phrase to said writing.

I try and write a short story about something at work. A guest who goes off the rails or one of my fellow workmates telling me about something that happened to them when they were five. I change the identities to protect the innocent and I begin to write. Usually within a page or so, I’m bored. Bored out of my mind. So I stop. My hard drive is filled with half started projects. Some of them pre-date the last ice age.

Maybe what I’m talking about is inspiration, not work. I mean, if you find your subject matter uninspiring to write about, why would anyone want to read it? Being nice to an author you know only gets you so far.

Oh well, must toil on.

May 29, 2010

So Here We Are … Again

I am a bad writer.

This is not about how I say things, but as in how often I say them. I keep saying that I want to be a writer, yet I do virtually nothing about it. I sit at home, go to work, hang with friends. Do I comment on it, let everyone know how it affected me. Yes. Do I write about it.

That sound you hear is the actual crickets chirping.

I will try to do better.