Opening Up To Someone New

This is sort of a companion piece to yesterday’s post about dating. Yesterday’s post was good, but it seemed a little like me just typing the words that came into mind with no forethought about subject. I wanted to write something that was a little more upbeat and personal.  I didn’t know what that might be, until this morning, when I met Ken.

Let me begin with a little back story. I’m a big believer in online dating. I’ve been doing it since the AOL disc days. (Okay, most of what I did can’t be considered dating in the strictest sense, but you get drift.) It’s a good way to meet people you wouldn’t normally be exposed to. The problem is that your exposed to them. But that’s another post.

About 9 months ago, I signed up for a site dedicated to men of a “certain” stature and those that like them. This was how I met Alex, my now ex-boyfriend. We talked for a month before we had a “face to face” meeting. It was great, we really hit it off and enjoyed ourselves.

The relationship lasted 2 months. I thanked Alex for coming into my life and sharing it with me for a while. This of course was after months of going over every single detail of our relationship about 10 times. Blaming him for everything. Finding out it was my fault, dealing with it, and now just moving on.

This brings me to “Alan”. “Alan” is 40 as of this last March. Like motorcycles, vanilla ice cream, and mashed potatoes with brown gravy. He listens to 80’s and 90’s music, works as a nurse with Alzheimer and Dementia patients, and once lived in Seattle.

I like “Alan”. He’s warm and funny. Cute without being boyish. Mature yet young at heart. Even the fact that he lives in the southwest doesn’t seem to be a problem.

I think the problem might be me.

I caught myself wondering earlier … “Where is the other shoe?” I keep thinking that there has to be something wrong with this man in order for me to like him or for him to like me. It just wouldn’t be me if he wasn’t deal breaking odd in some way. He has to have hidden the bodies somewhere.

Am I so hurt by what has happened in my life with the men I have been with that I have become that jaded? I’m I looking for a reason not to open to someone new so I don’t get hurt? I’ve been at this a long time, have I run out of real excuses and now just making them up as I go?

“Alan” seems like a man I could like. What I have talked about with him makes me think that. It also makes me think that I’m nuts and he’s hiding something. I want to see if this is going to go someplace. I just hope I don’t get in my own way.

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